Tag: funny

• A sonneteer trapped underwater breaks the rules

  

  I hate Shakespeare, Milton,

  and Petrarch. I despise 

  iambs, anapaests and trochees.

  I’m giving up on meter.

  All day long I stand 

  in this cage watching shoals of

  mackerels like grey lesions 

  on blue skin. I don’t know

  rhythm or time anymore, 

  and the only time I see something

  other than aquamarine

  is when a shark bites a diver’s leg

  off. I look forward to it now —

  red —

  beautiful, but violent red, 

  gushing, spreading faster than 

  the clock ticks. Day melts into day

  or is it night? 

  December 9, 2023

  creative writing, dark humour, free verse, funny, humour, loneliness, Poems, poetry

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• Saving you

  I know I have some sort 

  of twisted messiah complex, 

  a Jack Shephard need to save 

  (remember Lost?)

  He told me yesterday that 

  she’s seen a ton of grief, 

  that she’s barely holding 

  it together like a frightened 

  child not knowing where 

  to run when the sky turns 

  red and white streams of destruction 

  rain from the sky, 

  and the idea of saving her, 

  of her holding on to a 

  saviourish version of me

  chock-full of mawkish sentimentality, 

  eerie wisdom gleaming in my eyes, 

  kissing her forehead and saying, 

  I’m broken too, although 

  I’ve never felt the stab of losing 

  someone excites me. 

  I need to be there… I will be there…

  forever and always… my love is

  a carousel of unadulterated 

  passion… the beauty of knowing you… 

  PLEASE FUCKING STOP!

  Human love isn’t eternal,

  it’s finite and often finds itself

  creeping on barbed wire fences 

  of hate, anything beyond I can only love 

  you so much, but that’s more than

  enough is worship, prostrating oneself

  before some perfect vision. 

  So I guess it’s time I cut the 

  with-arms-wide-open, saving-you-

  from-yourself-crap and 

  reevaluate everything I’ve known 

  about passion.

  October 18, 2023

  creative writing, delusion, funny, humour, love, madness, poem, poetry, reality

  ---

• Cringe

  

  I had a blog here in 2013 

  riddled with quasi-religious 

  poetry and redundant imagery. 

  I used the same words and 

  phrases to convey something 

  that wasn’t even clear to me. 

  Chaff, grain, tree, moss —

  words I’ve now almost eliminated

  from my lexicon, depicting some

  throes and triumph, some 

  vague battle that didn’t make 

  much sense. I wrote 6 to 7 poems

  a day, praising God with broken 

  Hallelujahs and terrible 

  doctrine that makes Jordan Peterson

  look like a saint. I’d read a quote

  by Augustine or Kierkegaard 

  and prattle on about some 

  spiritual awakening or enlightenment, 

  tossing in bits and pieces from 

  my personal life, which I deemed

  a Kafkaesque (another overused word)

  hell. I’d write about medication

  and changes in moods, lucid dreams

  and utter nonsense. Some poems

  were dark for the sake of being 

  dark. Not sorrowed dark,

  or chaotic dark,

  just dark dark. I’d begin

  my rambles with

  an O! and end it with a note of 

  false praise, reckoning myself as 

  a Psalmist. I’d even throw in a 

  cheesy love poem now and then. 

  They were cheap, without substance 

  and ended with ludicrous lines 

  like marry me my darling, 

  or Oh! How I love you!

  I cringe each time I think of them

  now. They remind me of bad 

  American Idol auditions where 

  some poor, deluded guy sings/squeaks

  She Bangs out of tune,

  and gives Simon,

  Paula and Randy the giggles. 

  She loves, she loves, oh baby, when she

  twists and turns, I go crazy ‘cause she

  looks like Neruda’s Jewels

  (Yeah, I probably

  wrote that without considering the 

  innuendo), but she sings like the sea. 

  Oh! (Wait, it was O!) Marry me! 

  I love you! I love you! I love you! 

  Anyhow, that was then, and this is now, 

  but sometimes a time machine

  of regret carries me to then 

  and makes it now. *Cringes and 

  crawls away*

  Photo by Thiébaud Faix on Unsplash

  February 6, 2023

  creative writing, cringe, dark humour, funny, humour, life, poetry

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• Dilemma

  I’m exhausted and  

  want to say more 

  and not settle for  

  beautiful with a  

  😍 emoji, because I 

  think she’ll think 

  it’s just another  

  useless comment 

  by some guy who 

  hasn’t read the poem,  

  who wants followers. 

  It’s not true, but I can’t 

  think of anything else. 

  I’m drained, and I feel  

  a weltschmerz settling in,  

  a deep melancholy  

  evoking brown leaves  

  and pungent coffee. 

  I’m wondering if I should 

  change it to lovely or  

  wonderful with a ❤️  

  emoji, but what’s the difference? 

  I’m so tired that I don’t know 

  what I type in,  

  my fingers punching the  

  keyboard while my mind 

  reaches a realm of sweet 

  cakes and tea, which will 

  turn monstrous in a few  

  hours. I wake up  

  and notice that she hasn’t  

  even liked my comment.  

  I rush to her poem and  

  read it. Damn! That was amazing,  

  it says with 🍆🍑😫👉👌 

  emojis.  

  February 1, 2023

  blogging, creative writing, funny, humour, internet, parody, poetry, satire

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